


Home Is Among The Stars

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Dominance, Dubious Consent, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Language Kink, Multi, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-16 20:59:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/866549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Kirk is on a rescue mission to save some crew mates that have become Klingon hostages. A select few of his crew and some specialists embark on a mission that could cost them some friendships, and maybe some lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kirk sat in his chair, stoic. The usual buzz and good humor that was found on the bridge was absent. The shift was quiet, only calling out when a calculation was reset or when Sulu gave updates on their position. The Enterprise was approaching Earth. California, to be exact. There was to be a small service held at the Starfleet headquarters. Kirk set his jaw as memories of the Klingon attack surfaced.

The way the baby blue grass of the planet they were scanning made the blood seem so much more vivid. He kept replaying the same scene in his head. His view spinning as he was flung to the ground. The muffled sounds of shouting. His eyes opening, to see a severed hand, the end of the wrist smoking slightly. It was a woman's hand, the delicate fingers loosely curled, the manicured nails trim and neat. And the smell. He could  _smell_  the burned flesh. The rest of the fight was an adrenaline-filled blur, but that one image stayed with him.

He swallowed hard and tried to force the thoughts away. His crew was his family. And he had led his family into danger. Since the incident, Spock hadn't said a single word to him. He just stayed at his science station, silently working. His silence hurt Jim more than he thought it ever could.

Jim cleared his throat. "Sulu, what's our arrival time?"

Sulu's fingers moved over the console. "Two point three hours, Captain."

"Thank you, Mr. Sulu."

Jim leaned back in his chair. They were almost there. He didn't know if he'd be able to handle the dirty stares when they reached Starfleet. It wasn't the stares themselves that would bother him, but the fact that he was completely deserving of them, and much worse. Oh, so much worse. Everyone knew it was his fault that seven of his crewmen were dead and thirteen were missing. And everyone knew that Jim had been strongly advised to not go into that sector of space. But  _no_ , the great Captain Kirk thought he was _invincible,_  that everything would end up just fine, as it always did. And now he had blood on his hands.

He rubbed the side of his face tiredly. It had been just under a week since the attack, and he had only gotten about five hours of sleep since. He felt deflated, weak, dead. Jim left his chair and told Sulu to prepare for docking. He stepped into the turbolift and headed to his quarters.

His uniform was rumpled and disheveled. Jim peeled off his gold shirt and put on a fresh one. He went to the small bathroom and splashed some cool water on his face. Jim found that it as impossible to meet his own eyes in the mirror. He bent over and rested his head on the cool metal of the sink.  _What a mess, what a mess_.

A knock roused him from his position.

"Come in." He barked, straightening up and leaving the bathroom.

The doors slid open and McCoy entered, not seeming very happy. He looked Jim up and down and went straight to the bathroom. Jim could hear the medicine cabinet open and bottles move around. Bones came back in, his face set in an angry scowl, holding a small bottle filled with red oval pills. He shook them and raised his eyebrows.

"Mind explaining to me why you haven't been taking the sleep aid I prescribed you?"

Kirk looked down and said nothing.

"Damnit Jim, what's the point of having a doctor if you aren't going to take the medicine he gives you?"

Jim didn't have an answer. He crossed the small room slowly and sat on the edge of his bed. McCoy took a seat next to him.

"Look." he said, trying to meet Jim's eyes. "You made a bad decision. A very bad decision. But you are running yourself down into the ground. You gotta get some sleep, Jim. If you keep going like this, you'll end up out of the captain's chair."

"Too late for that." Kirk said hollowly.

Bones flinched. "Just what in the hell do you mean by that?"

"I mean," Jim said, bringing his eyes to meet his friends, "that I am resigning."

McCoy's brown eyes widened. Many emotions crossed his face. Shock, pain, dismay. His mouth was partly open, his lips trying to form words. He turned his head away and sighed.

They sat in silence. Bones turned to Jim again.

"The Enterprise needs you. The  _crew_  needs you."

Jim stood up suddenly and shouted "They need me? For what? So they can follow me, so I can kill them? I don't deserve to be captain, and every last person on this ship knows it!" His breathing was rapid, his hands clenched tightly into fists. Angry tears burned in the corners of his eyes.

Bones stood up and grabbed Jim's shoulders firmly, forcing Jim to look at him.

"Stop. Right now. You lost some of your crew, I know that's tough. But you have to think, Jim, that some of them are still out there, and if you don't pull yourself together long enough to get them back, then you are damn right, you  _don't_  deserve that captain's chair." Jim's blue eyes sparkled with tears he refused to shed. He swallowed and gave a small nod. Bones was right, of course. He couldn't erase what he'd done, but he could try to set it as right as he could. Bones patted his cheek affectionately.

"As soon as the ceremony is over, you are to report back to the ship and take one of the pills, got it?"

Jim nodded again.

McCoy gave him a stern look, what Jim knew was his "I care about you, you idiot" face. He patted Jim's cheek again and left, the door sliding shut behind him.

Jim took a few steadying breaths. He went back to the bathroom and splashed some more water on his face. He had to pull through this one last thing. For his crew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim explores the new ship, along with what happened during the attack

Bones had helped him through the service. He stared people down when they were openly looking at Jim, never leaving his side and steering him clear of anyone who tried to talk to him. And afterwards he had escorted Jim to the new ship, leading him through the narrow hallways to his new quarters. Jim's few things were already in the room, along with the bottle of sleep aid. Bones watched him as he swallowed one of the red capsules, leaving with a pleased look on his face shortly after. Jim had fallen asleep almost instantly, a thick dreamless state that he didn't wake from until the next day.

When he stumbled out of bed he was extremely disoriented. It took him a moment to realize where he was. He looked at the time and saw it was past noon. He didn't know if he slept so long because he was so tired or if the meds Bones had given him were strong. Probably a mixture of both. He washed up and pulled on his uniform, eager to check out his surroundings. The ship was much smaller than the Enterprise, meant to be stealthy and agile. Only 20 people were on the ship, just enough to keep her running and to execute their rescue mission. Jim walked around aimlessly, viewing the cafeteria, the recreational room, the gym, slowly making his way to the command center.

Spock was seated in the captain's chair, his back ramrod straight and his hands resting lightly on the armrests. Jim smiled inwardly to know that Spock was one of the twenty people onboard. When Spock saw Jim enter, he stood up swiftly, moving away before Jim could talk to him. Jim sighed and sat down. So Spock was still giving him the silent treatment.

He couldn't help but feel odd in the new chair. The seat was much smaller, not as wide and welcoming as his on the Enterprise. He called out for a status report, slipping into his command with ease. The setup was different, the stations all positioned in front of the captain's chair, on a lower platform. Spock had stepped down to the lower platform, and was now talking to someone Kirk didn't recognize. He could only see the back of her head from where he was positioned. Her honey auburn hair was swept back into a low pony tail. She was wearing blue. Jim wondered what the two of them were discussing. Jim watched their exchange for awhile, his curiosity growing. Spock stood with perfect posture, his hands clasped behind his back. Spock nodded and replied to something the girl had said. The girl's delicate shoulders rose up as she said something else. Spock's slanted eyebrows raised. He paused briefly before answering her. He inclined his head and left the station, stepping back onto the higher platform. He walked past Jim and stepped into the turbolift.

Jim sat for awhile before deciding to acquaint himself with some of the new crew. He went from person to person, learning their names or saying hello to familiar faces. He worked his way through the people so that he would get to the young girl Spock had been speaking with last. He approached the science station just as she was turning her chair towards him. Two large brown eyes stared up at him. Her legs were an inch from the ground, crossed at the ankles and lightly swinging.

"I'm Captain Kirk." He said lamely, feeling dissected by her wide doe eyes. She stood from her chair and stuck out a small delicate hand.

"I'm Carissa Lockley. Pleasure to be aboard your ship, captain." Her voice was light, yet had an air of control. Probably not the type of person to say something before thinking.

"So, your part of the science division." Kirk said, taking her small hand in his and giving it a firm shake.

"That is correct, sir."

"You seem a bit young to be on such a dangerous mission" He said, releasing her hand. Her eyes sparkled.

"Do not mistake my age for weakness, captain."

"I'll keep that in mind." He replied, impressed by her conviction. "I saw commander Spock discussing something with you." Was that a faint blush he could see riding to her cheeks? He continued. "Is everything in order?"

"We were discussing the mandatory report I must write. Reports are not my strong point, captain. Commander Spock has given me permission to view his past reports so as to aid my process." A definite blush had come to her cheeks, a pink dusting highlighting her cheekbones. Her face remained impassive. Kirk gave a small nod.

"As you were."

She returned the nod and sat back down, immediately going back to work. Kirk wandered back to his own chair. He tried not to feel jealous of the girl. She was just borrowing some papers from Spock. But the fact that Spock was completely blocking him out, acting as if he didn't even exist... and just going about like nothing was wrong. Jim huffed and made a point not to stare at Carissa during the rest of his shift.

* * *

 

The cafeteria was small, only having six circular tables. Chekov and Sulu sat at the farthest table, Chekov motioning his hands wildly and chatting happily as he ignored his food, Sulu smiling as he listened intently. Some new crew members sat together at another table. Carissa wasn't among them. She sat at her own table, with a book open as she blew on a hot spoonful of soup.

Kirk spotted Nyota sitting alone and took the seat across from her. He picked up his fork and twirled it in his synthetic spaghetti. They ate silently, listening to the casual chatter of the room. Kirk's eyes watched the door, waiting for Spock. He was hoping that because he was sitting with Nyota, Spock would be forced to sit near Jim, and Jim could try to talk to him. When Spock did walk in, he went and got his food. He didn't even see him and Nyota. His eyes immediately set upon Carissa's table. Jim could hear him as he stood next to the seat and Carissa looked up from her book.

"I apologize for interrupting. May I join you at your table?"

She closed her book and gestured to the open chair, a light smile playing on her lips. Jim turned away, not wanting to stare. He saw Nyota also divert her eyes and go back to eating, all a little too controlled and stiff.

"What was that?" Jim asked, stabbing at his food.

"You tell me." Nyota replied, faking nonchalance.

Jim looked at Spock and Carissa. Spock was spreading a napkin in his lap while talking, Carissa's wide eyes staring intently at Spock. He turned back to Nyota.

"Are you and him having relationship troubles?"

Nyota speared a piece of salad on her fork. "We aren't in a relationship."

Jim's eyes widened. "Did he dump you for-" He motioned his head in the new recruits direction. Nyota  glared at him.

"No, actually. I broke it off after he supported your decision to go into possible Klingon territory."

Jim couldn't think of anything to say. He set his fork down. He wasn't that hungry anymore. "I'm sorry."

Nyota set her fork down too. She sighed. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. It's just that with Spock, sometimes I didn't know who he really loved. Me or you."

Jim snorted. "Yeah, he must really have a thing for me."

Uhura made an exasperated noise. "Who do you think saved your ass during the ambush?"

Jim thought back to the planet. Blue grass, towering grey rocks. Then the spinning. He had been hit with something. Was that some _thing_  actually a some _one_? "So Spock..."

Nyota nodded her answer. "When everyone was beamed up, he was, well,  _odd_. He asked to talk to me in my quarters." Nyota glanced quickly at Spock and leaned closer to Jim. "He apologized to me for listening to you. He said that he hadn't been thinking logically."

"I don't see how Spock's poor judgement means he loves me."

"Jesus, Jim, are you really that dense?" She rolled her eyes. "He was willing to follow you blindly. He trusted you completely. And after the attack he felt that he was just as responsible for everything. He saw that his trust in you had impaired his judgement."

Jim leaned back, knowing she was right. "How do you _know_  all of this?"

She smiled as she put her fork on her tray and stood up from the table.

"Woman's intuition."

And with that she left. Kirk sat alone and pondered everything. He knew that Spock was mad at him, but it wasn't because he had gotten people killed. Well, it was, but it was more than that. He had made Spock doubt himself, perhaps even hate himself.

Jim glanced over at him. He was wiping his lips with his napkin as Carissa talked.

Jim's head hurt. He picked up his tray.

He needed a long nap.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk confronts Spock about his behavior

They were four days into their one month journey. Kirk signed off from his Captain's log and watched his crew work. Chekov was busily working calculations on their navigation and position. The programming was the same as the Enterprise, but the unfamiliar layout caused him to keep pressing the wrong buttons. He muttered something in Russian. Carissa was at her own station, not far away. She laughed.

"I didn't know you had such a mouth on you, Ensign."

Pavel looked up, his eyes wide with shock. "You speak my natiwe tongue?"

Carissa smiled at him and replied "Казалось бы, это так, не так ли?"  _[It would appear so, wouldn't it?]_

Chekov blushed. "You will heff to forgiff me for my crudeness."

Carissa gave a small laugh again. "Don't sweat it. You should hear what Sulu says."

Sulu's head shot up from his station. He looked her over. "Nihongo o hanashimasu ka?" _[you speak Japanese?]_

"Watashi wa mottomo tashika ni yaru." _[I most certainly do.]_

Sulu looked at her for a few more seconds before breaking out in a grin. Uhura span around from her station to face Carissa. Her arms were crossed, her face was set in a cool indifference.

"tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a'?"  _[Do you speak Klingon?]_

Carissa looked at Uhura evenly. "HIja'. loQ vIjatlhlaH"  _[Yes, I speak a little.]_

Uhura's eyes narrowed slightly. Her mouth was opening to say something else but a voice behind Kirk spoke. Jim jumped, not realizing that Spock had been behind him.

He spoke in Vulcan, rolling his tongue with the inflections of the language. The bridge was silent. Spock hardly ever spoke in his native language. Carissa looked up at him. She replied to him in the same tongue, her words hesitant and careful. Spock tilted his head ever so slightly. He spoke another sentence. Carissa nodded and gave a small smile and said one word. Spock inclined his head and left the bridge.

Everyone remained silent. Carissa turned back and began working. Everyone around her began following suit. Kirk sat in his chair, thinking about the exchange he had just witnessed. What had they said to each other?

Finally his curiosity got the better of him. But he didn't want to talk to Carissa. He got up, telling Sulu that control was his. He was going to put an end to this pointless silence.

* * *

Spock's voice was level and devoid of emotion as he gave Kirk permission to come in. Spock was laying in his bed, his long slender fingers steepled on his chest. He had been meditating.

Spock sat up as Jim walked into the room. If he was surprised at Kirk's presence, he did not show it.

"May I help you with something, Captain?"

"Yeah, you can cut all of this out."

Spock's face remained impassive. "You will have to be more specific, Captain."

"You know damned well what I'm talking about!" Kirk shouted. He stopped himself and forced himself to take a few breaths. "I know what I did, okay? And I hate myself for it. I know I'm going to be paying for my mistakes for years, maybe even the rest of my life. But please, don't make me pay-" He motioned to Spock "-like this."

Spock rose from his bed, clasping his hands behind his back.

"You mistake my intentions, Captain. The attitude I have exhibited has merely been for self preservation, not as a form of punishment, as you have assumed."

Kirk sputtered, not knowing how to respond. Spock waited patiently as Jim battled with his emotions. He finally looked up to meet Spock's cool, calculating gaze.

"Do you really feel that way? That being my friend...that being close to me will destroy you?"

Spock stared intently at Jim, his eyes never wavering. Kirk searched the deep brown depths of Spock's gaze, but couldn't find anything under the emotionless mask. Spock's answer came slowly.

"I believe a relationship such as ours is hazardous. It is only logical to remove myself from such a situation. I hope that you see that it is the only way to avoid any other such grievances, Captain."

Jim smiled bitterly. "Okay then. So you're gonna turn me away the moment I need you the most, is that it? Well that's fine, that's just  _fine_."

He turned to leave the room.

"Jim."

Spock said it so quietly, he almost didn't hear it. Kirk didn't turn around, but he stopped.

Spock continued on, his voice low, almost soothing.

"Not all of the blame is on your conscious. I, as your first officer, did nothing to hinder your decision. Do not believe that you are the only one who was in error. And do not believe that you are the only one who suffers now."

Kirk gave a small laugh. "Yeah, you sure are suffering, right? Why don't you just call up that new recruit. She seems to help take your mind off of things."

"If you are referring to Ensign Carissa, you are correct. She has been instrumental in my mental health."

Kirk couldn't help but turn around to face Spock again.

"So you've replaced me? Just like that? And not even a second thought." He made a noise in the back of his throat, another laugh, though it sounded more like a choked sob.

"You are truly, _truly_  unbelievable, Spock."

Spock stepped closer, his eyes shining fiercely with an emotion his face refused to show.

"I assure you that Ensign Carissa is not a substitute. As a person, you are irreplaceable. She is merely a second, more logical option. But do not think that she is any less than you. She is just as irreplaceable and precious to me."

Kirk didn't know how to respond to that. Spock's demeanor was still calm, but his eyes revealed the emotional turmoil that raged inside him. The tips of his pointed ears were a delicate shade of green.

This whole confrontation had drained Jim. His shoulders sagged slightly.

"Fine." He said simply, turning away again.

This time, Spock didn't stop him as he walked through the door. As it slid shut behind him, Jim felt that it was sliding shut on something that he would never get back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a sighting of Klingon ships, Spock visits Sickbay.

Spock returned to his bed. His head was spinning with strong emotions, all of which he did not bother to identify or encourage. He quickly forced them away, setting his mind back into a meditative state. There was no need to analyze the situation that just happened. The main thing to take away from the experience was that his overall goal was accomplished. The captain now knew why he had to resort to the measures he had taken. He closed his eyes. It was no use to feel any regret or sadness. Such feelings would be counterproductive and serve no higher purpose. It took him a long while to get back into his earlier meditation. Spock knew the frivolities of dwelling in such things, but images of Kirk, his ice blue eyes begging for answers, begging for friendship, begging for Spock-

  
A small beep roused him. Someone was at the door. He sat up and gave the command for the door to open. Was it time already? It must be.

The door slid into the wall and Carissa entered slowly, her eyes level, her posture pristine. Spock rose from his bed and greeted her. He wasted no time.

"We will begin by conversing in my native language. I will take note on what areas you are not sufficient in."

Carissa full lips rose into a light smile. In Vulcan, she thanked him for offering to help her learn the language better. He inclined his head and, also in Vulcan, told her it was no trouble. Spock gestured to two chairs he had managed to find onboard the ship earlier. She walked past him, a light citrus smell trailing behind her. She sat down primly, crossing her legs in a fluid motion. Spock's eyes lightly grazed the smooth line of her thigh before he also took a seat. Carissa's eyes met his expectantly. Spock had to think of where he had planned on starting. The incident with Kirk had really set his emotions on edge, and now it seemed he could not get them in line. He folded his hands neatly in his lap, finally remembering where his lesson was supposed to start.

* * *

  
Carissa was a brilliant student, answering him carefully and concisely, drinking in every word he said to her, incorporating words previously unknown to her naturally and efficiently into her speech as she picked them up from his own vocabulary. Teaching her was truly a pleasure, and he couldn't help but admire her. On a purely aesthetic level, she was fascinating to observe, the way her long black lashes would flutter and she would scowl lightly when she couldn't think of the word she wanted. Or how her slender middle finger would trace intricate patterns unknowingly into the bottom of her blue uniform as she listened to him speak. She was truly a fascinating specimen. Coupled with her sharp intellect, Spock found himself completely enthralled with the human.

  
When he had ran over all of the topics he had planned, he inclined his head.

"You are a swift learner, ensign. I have gathered sufficient information for your future lessons."

She rose from her chair. "Thank you again, Commander Spock. It's very kind of you to do this for me."

Spock felt a warm glow in his stomach. Kind. No one had ever called him kind before. He could feel blood rushing to his cheeks. He nodded curtly and escorted her to the door, not meeting her eyes.

"Our next lesson shall be at the same time tomorrow." He managed, his door sliding open and Carissa stepping out. She turned to him and gave him a bright smile.

"I look forward to it."

And with that she began down the hallway to her own quarters. Right as she disappeared around the corner, the lights grew dim. Spock's brain automatically began working. there were half a dozen immediate possibilities why the lights were malfunctioning. From the other end of the hallway, an ensign ran up to him, his cheeks flushed, his dark hair laying messily over his forehead.

"Sir!" He managed, gulping in air. "You are needed on the bridge."

Spock began a light trot towards the bridge, leaving the ensign panting by his door. Those possibilities were growing narrower, and a small knot of worry had begun in Spock's stomach.

  
He reached the bridge in no time, not even out of breath. Everything was turned off, the usual lights and small noises of the room reduced to silence. Spock walked over to the captain, who was standing in front of his chair, his whole body rigid. His eyes were glued to the giant window. Spock followed his gaze and saw five Klingon ships, flying in formation slightly ahead of them. They were heading to the left, seeming not to see their small vessel.

"Captain." Spock said quietly. "We have their sensors blocked and our stealth shield engaged?"

Kirk nodded and placed his finger to his lips. It was illogical to think that the silence of the crew would help them go undetected, but Spock couldn't help but purse his lips closed. Everyone on the bridge watched as the klingon birds of prey drifted slowly out of view. They stood in silence for a while afterward. Kirk motioned to Sulu.

"Boot up the sensors, see if they're gone."

When Sulu confirmed that they were, The whole room collectively let out a pent up breath.

"Get everything back up and running!" Kirk called, sitting down in his chair, his body still rigid. "Chekov, I need you to find another way around this place."

Chekov turned in his chair to face him. "But keptin, ze only other route vill increase our trip by a month."

Kirk turned to Spock. "How long can this vessel support life?"

"Up to six months, captain."

Kirk nodded. "We'll have to do it. It's either take the short way and die, or take the long way and live."

"Aye keptin." Chekov chirped, turning back to his station to begin routing the new course.

Spock felt nauseous. A month? He blinked a few times, his mind spinning through all of his options. With numb lips, he asked Kirk if he was still needed. Kirk waved him away with his hand, saying he'd com him if anything came up. Spock stiffly walked to the turbolift. "Sickbay." He said, feeling the light pull as he was whisked away to another part of the ship. 

* * *

 

McCoy's quarters were located at the back of sickbay, in a little room off to the side. Spock buzzed him and waited patiently for the door to slide open. The Doctor's hair was disheveled, his brown eyes squinting against the light. He was clad in nothing but a pair of black boxers.

"What the hell d'ya want?" He said gruffly, his accent thick with his grogginess.

"I need to discuss a serious matter with you." Spock said calmly as McCoy leaned against the door frame.

"It couldn't wait?" The Doctor ran his hand of his face sleepily.

Spock didn't answer.

McCoy sighed. "Give me a minute."

The door slid shut. Spock waited patiently. One hundred and thirty six seconds passed before the door slid open again. The Doctor's hair was still a mess, but he had pulled on his uniform, which was slightly wrinkled. His eyes seemed more alert. He led Spock over to his private medical examination room. He waited for the door to slide shut before raising one of his eyebrows expectantly at Spock. Spock took a steadying breath.

  
"Klingon ships were spotted. We will have to extend our mission by one month in order to continue going undetected."

McCoy crossed his arms. "And?"

"The time of the extension coincides with my pon farr cycle."

A blank look passed over McCoy's face before setting into a bewildered panic. "Shit." He said under his breath, then louder. "Damnit man, why would you agree to go on a mission so close to your time?"

Spock replied curtly, "I felt my presence was necessary."

"Yeah, well feeling it was necessary has really fucked things up, Spock."

"I am aware, Doctor. but I did not come here to be scolded. I came here to merely alert you, and to request a room to be set aside for my meditation."

"Your-" McCoy scowled. "Spock, you aren't stupid. You know that meditation isn't going to help. You have to find someone-"

Spock gave the doctor a look that made him stop midsentence. Spock's voice remained level, but a cold flatness made it ring with a deadly resoluteness.

"I am fully aware of what I have done, and what I must do. For the time being, we shall prepare a room so that I may make an attempt to suppress my plak tow, when the time emerges."

McCoy looked him over. "How have you been? Do you feel any different? Been acting weird?"

Spock thought back to the way his eyes roamed over Carissa's long smooth thigh, the way his thoughts seemed hard to grasp.

"I believe the effects have begun, but only mildly for the time being. If they worsen, I will alert you immediately."

McCoy nodded, scowling at the situation. "This ain't gonna end up pretty, you know that."

Spock didn't have an answer.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones is essential in Jim's recovery

They were only a week from the small Klingon outpost that they suspected held their friends. Kirk was still taking the sleep aid that Bones had given him, but he felt weak and tired all of the time.

The chances of actually finding his crew alive were slim, and he knew that. The chances that they were at the outpost were even slimmer, and he knew that too. A shot in a million. But he would rather try against impossible odds than not try at all. He rolled his neck, sitting up straighter in his captain's chair. His shift was just about over. He was glad. Seeing the back of Carissa's head really got on his nerves. The airy way her voice would ask for numbers from Chekov, or the light trill of a laugh she would give when Sulu would say something funny seemed like nails against a chalkboard to him. She was so annoyingly sweet, cordial, and in control, all while Kirk was off to the side slowly deteriorating.

And then seeing her with Spock all the the time. They ate their meals together, went to the fitness room together, and even once, Kirk had caught her leaving Spock's quarters. He used to go to Nyota, and they would vent to each other. that was until Carissa had began casually chatting with Uhura, asking her if she could take a look at her xenolinguistics reports. Now Kirk felt like he was alone. The only other person he felt he could talk to was Bones, but that was out of the question. Kirk would end up being scolded like a child for letting himself waste away and then he'd be given a bunch of new pills. No thank you.

Jim had actually been making a point to avoid the Doctor. And he thought he had been doing a good job about it. But when Kirk's shift was relieved and he went to his quarters, the scowling man was waiting for him.

Jim opened his mouth to shout at his friend, but Bones put his hand up to shush him.

"Save it, Jim. You look like shit, and I'm not gonna have you falling over from exhaustion and hunger."

He motioned to the small table in the corner. A thick slice of bread sat next to a large bowl of soup, hot steam rising from it.

"I'm not hungry."

McCoy gave him a cold look. "You're gonna eat, or I'm gonna sedate you and stick a tube down your throat into your stomach." He finished his threat by raising one eyebrow, as if challenging Kirk to see if he was bluffing. Jim knew that the Doctor probably wasn't.

He sat down grumpily at the small table and picked up the spoon. It  _did_  smell delicious. When was the last time he had eaten? He filled the spoon with the hot broth and brought it to his lips. He blew on it gingerly before tasting it.

He was soon eating with gusto. McCoy stood and watched him, his arms crossed and a pleased smile playing on his lips. Jim ate until the bowl was empty and his stomach was pleasantly full. He leaned back in his chair.

"Thanks Bones."

The Doctor made a hushing noise and pulled him out of his chair, forcing him over to the bed. Jim sat down at the edge as McCoy pulled out a bottle of pills. they looked just like the ones he had been taking, but the color was more of a deep crimson. Jim made a small exasperated noise.

"I'm not taking those."

McCoy gave him another stern look, but this time Jim stood his ground. "I'm not going to let you drug me up."

McCoy looked at him, his scowl slowly turning softer. "Damnit, Jim, you have to get some sleep, and the only way to do that is to give you a stronger sleep-aid."

Jim looked at him pleadingly.

McCoy sighed. "You're a stubborn ass, Jim." He motioned to the bed. "Take your shirt off and lay down on your stomach."

It was Jim's turn to raise an eyebrow. Bones rolled his eyes.

"Stop being a damned pervert and listen to your doctor."

Jim took his uniform shirt off and tossed it to the side. He stretched out on his stomach, his head resting comfortably on his pillow. McCoy got on the bed too, his weight causing the mattress to dip slightly. He swung one of his legs around him so he was straddling Jim's waist. Jim raised his head.

"Woah, there stallion."

McCoy slapped the back of his head. "Damned pervert." He mumbled.

The weight of Bones on top of him and the feeling of his thighs on either side of him did give him thoughts that weren't exactly appropriate. Jim rested his head back on the pillow, a lazy smile on his face. He could hear a small snapping noise as Bones opened something. A few seconds later something cold was falling on his back. He shivered. McCoy tossed something onto the ground and Jim could see it was a bottle of lotion. Bones began spreading the lotion on Jim's back, his steady hands working small circles into his skin. He began working along Jim's shoulder blades, his fingers digging deep and working the tense muscles. It burned pleasantly. Jim sighed and felt himself relax under Bones's touch.

"Why didn't you do this sooner?" Jim practically moaned.

Bones replied by finding a particularly tense muscle and working it thoroughly.

Jim had no idea how long the massage went on. He was sure that the Doctor's fingers were getting tired, but he never stopped moving them along his back, and Jim didn't have the decency to tell him to stop. Jim's head felt clouded and wonderful.

He fell into blissful sleep eventually.

He couldn't remember Bones actually leaving, but he recalled the feeling of the weight and warmth of him and the steady glide of his fingers being gone. Jim also vaguely recalled a hand cupping his face, warm and callous, but gentle and loving. When he awoke the next morning, he didn't know if that last part had actually happened, but part of him wanted it to be true.

* * *

Bones had begun to accompany Jim to the cafeteria. He would watch Kirk carefully, making sure he was eating enough. Jim actually didn't mind the extra attention. It kept his mind off of things, and it was nice having Bones around. Occasionally from across the cafeteria Carissa would let out a clear trickle of laughter, which would bring his eyes to the pair of them, Carissa with a charming smile on her face, and Spock with a neutral expression, though sometimes the corner of his lip would twitch up just slightly. The sight would always make Jim nauseous. Bones was at least understanding, and they would leave soon afterwards.

Eventually, they both stopped going to the cafeteria, opting for a quiet meal in Jim's quarters. Those evenings were always fun. At first, they would play 3D chess together, but it was soon clear that Jim was the better player, and Bones was always sulky after losing a match. Jim tried letting him win a few, but the Doctor would become even more sulky because he knew exactly what Jim was doing.

They soon turned to watching old films that were on the computer database. Most of them were uninteresting, but the two of them would add funny commentary, often laughing and talking throughout the whole movie. On one particular occasion, Bones had been real quiet, hushing Jim when he'd talk. The movie they were watching, The Titanic, seemed to really interest the Doctor. And at the end, Jim looked over to see that Bones was silently crying in the dark. The tears were quickly wiped away, and Jim pretended he hadn't seen anything.

They would usually end their nights with Bones climbing on top of Jim and giving him an expert massage until Jim fell asleep. At first, Jim would sleep through the night. But then he started waking up soon after Bones would leave. Once he was awake, there was no going back to sleep, so he'd spend his time pacing his small room, trying in vain to fight off his dark thoughts. Nights were the worst.

Jim decided it was time he tried something.

Bones came by his quarters at the usual time. Instead of putting on a movie, Jim set out two glasses and a bottle of the Doctor's favorite bourbon. Bones raised his eyebrows when he saw Jim pouring them drinks.

"What's the occasion? He asked, taking a seat on the edge of Jim's bed.

"No occasion." Jim said mildly, handing Bones a generous glass and sitting down beside him.

Jim raised his own glass in a small toast and took a drink. Bones followed, swallowing the dark gold liquor, grimacing slightly as it went down. They both finished their drinks in silence. Jim got up and got the bottle, quickly filling their glasses again.

"So what's this really about, Jim? I'm not stupid. Are you apologizing or something?"

Jim didn't say anything.

Bones sighed. "I'm not mad at you about wanting to give up the chair, if that's what this is about. You know I'm not like that." He took another swallow of the bourbon. "I just think you need to give it a second thought. You're a damned good captain, Jim." He gave Jim a hard look that would have seemed intimidating if it were anyone but Bones. Jim knew him well enough to know that the Doctor was pleading for him to stay.

Kirk hated seeing his friend so upset. "that's not what this is about, Bones." He said, patting the Doctor on the back. "I just wanted to have a drink with a friend, ok?" He gave Bones a bright smile that he hoped was reassuring.

Jim finished off his glass before adding "And besides, how could I be mad at my best friend?"

Bones fought a smile. He finished his own glass. Jim went to fill it again, but Bones put a hand up.

"I don't want to get drunk."

Jim pushed his hand away and poured him another drink. Bones huffed but didn't seem all too upset, taking another sip of his drink after shooting Jim a look of exaggerated annoyance. Jim smiled at him.

Bones continued to drink, his accent growing thicker with the alcohol. Jim's own glass went untouched, though the bottle stayed in his hand, filling the Doctor's glass when it was empty.

When Jim finally set the bottle down, Bones was sitting silently on the bed, a light scowl on his face, seeming to be focusing on something intently. He had stopped midsentence of what he had been saying. Jim looked at him.

"Everything all right, Bonesy?"

Bones continued staring, as if not hearing him. Jim placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Bones?"

the Doctor jumped at the touch. He looked hazily at Jim, his eyes seeming to have a hard time focusing.

"I'm drunk." He stated. He stood shakily. "I'm tired. I need to go to bed."

He took a step but began leaning dangerously to the left. Jim quickly got up and grabbed him.

"Woah there, Bones. You're a little  _too_  drunk. You should just crash here for the night."

Bones looked at him dazedly. "Wouldja be fine with that?"

Jim smiled. "Yeah, of course it's fine."

Bones nodded his head, more to himself than Jim. He looked around at the floor. "I'll just make myself comfortable then." He drawled in his southern accent, shaking off Jim and sitting on the floor. He pulled his blue uniform shirt off, so that he was in a plain black short sleeve.

Jim grabbed Bones from the floor and set him on his bed.

"I'm not gonna make you sleep on the floor. You can take my bed for the night. I don't mind."

"S'okay" Bones slurred, trying to get up.

Jim pushed him gently down, making him lay on the mattress.

"I don't mind, really."

the Doctor huffed. "I ain't gonna take your bed kid." he scooted over to the far end of the bed, so he was against the wall. He patted beside him. "We can share for the night."

Jim stood there, as if waiting for Bones to change his mind. Bones gave him an annoyed look.

"Get your ass in bed and turn off those damned lights."

Jim chuckled. He gave the command for the lights to turn off, then crawled into bed. In the darkness, Jim smiled.

Soon afterwards, Bones began to snore softly. Jim found it cute and, in an odd sort of way, comforting. Jim got close enough to the man to feel his body heat.

It felt good to not be alone.

"Night, Bones." He whispered softly.

Soon afterwards, sleep took him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock's condition is beginning to interfere with his performance as the ship finally reaches the Klingon outpost.

Spock turned to Carissa. "I apologize. Will you please repeat yourself?"

Her large brown eyes were filled with concern. "I asked if you were okay. You've been acting very odd."

Spock did not reply. Speech seemed difficult for him. His thoughts seemed clouded. The plak tow had begun it's course. Spock had visited with Doctor McCoy earlier, reporting his lack of concentration. The Doctor seemed upset at the news. The blood fever was hitting sooner than expected, and Spock still had not established a mate. Spock had been trying to keep his sessions with Carissa, but the simple task had become cumbersome. He found himself trailing off midsentence, unable to remember why he had begun to speak, or what point he was trying to make.

Carissa searched Spock's eyes for an answer. She sighed and reached across the small table in Spock's quarters, wrapping her two small delicate hands around one of his. He stiffened slightly at the touch but did not pull away. His heart was beating faster than it should be. All of his senses seemed to be heightened in his current state, and it almost seemed he could actually feel Carissa's pulse fluttering lightly where the inside of her wrist touched his skin. Spock thought of how wonderful that light sputter would feel against his lips, against his tongue. To trace his sensitive fingertips over the blue veins.

She had said something to him. She looked at him expectantly, waiting for an answer to a question he had not heard. He cleared his throat, pulling his hand away and standing. "I must ask you to leave, ensign." He detected no hurt in her eyes, only curiosity and worry. She stood from her chair and inclined her head slightly in his direction before making her way to the door. He kept himself facing away from the door as he heard it slide open and shut, leaving him alone and in silence.

Spock walked stiffly to his bed and sat down. They would be reaching the outpost tomorrow. He had to keep himself together until then. His whole body felt too warm, which would normally be a pleasant occurrence, considering how much cooler humans kept things compared to that of his home planet. But this warmth was in no way soothing or familiar. It felt as if his blood was boiling, that all of his muscles alternated between being tight as a bow string and loose beyond functioning. He closed his eyes and tried to meditate.

Just one more day.

* * *

 

Everyone on the bridge was tense. Spock had just confirmed that the sensors picked up no life on the small desolate planet below them. Kirk's face was unreadable. In a flat voice he commed Scotty and told him to prepare for the beam down of a small search party. He motioned to Uhura and told her to get ahold of Bones, and for the two of them to meet him in the transporter room. Kirk stood from his chair and went to the turbolift. Spock quickly joined him.

"I assume I will be one of the members beaming down?"

"You assume wrong." Kirk said mildly, giving the order to be taken to the transporter room. The turbolift hummed lightly as it swiftly moved them through the ship.

"I do not understand." Spock said, his voice sounding a little uneven. "I accompanied you on this journey to assist-"

"Well you've assisted enough, Spock."

Spock could feel a deep, black anger rising in him. "Captain, I-"

"Just drop it Spock, you aren't going."

Spock grabbed a fistful of Jim's gold uniform and pulled him close. Their noses were almost touching. Jim's blue eyes were wide with surprise, and just a touch of fear. Spock spoke again, his voice coming out in a deadly whisper.

"I will be accompanying you, Captain."

Jim blinked a few times. "What's gotten into you, Spock?"

The words sunk in. Spock looked at Jim, looked at his fist gripping Jim's shirt with white knuckles. He realized he was actually holding Jim up about an inch from the ground. He lowered him gently down and stepped away. His whole body was trembling.

Kirk told the turbolift to stop. The humming was gone and they were left in silence. Neither said anything for a long time.

"I...I apologize, Captain." He looked at Jim, whose eyes were soft and sympathetic.

"Spock, it's okay. I  _wanted_  you to go to go, honestly. But it's Doctor's orders that you stay here."

Spock let out a low growl involuntarily. So Doctor McCoy was behind this.

Kirk grabbed Spock's shoulders. "Spock, stop. There's no reason to be mad at anyone. It's obvious you aren't fit for duty. Bones made a good call. And if he hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have let you go anyways. Just _look_  at yourself, Spock."

Spock realized his shoulders were hunched forward defensively, his legs spread slightly and bent, as if ready for attack. His fists were clenched so tight that when he relaxed them, small blood crescents were on his palms from his short nails. He straightened up and took a deep, steadying breath. He found himself blinking away tears.

"I am sorry Jim."

Kirk squeezed Spock's shoulders. "It's okay. But I want to know what the hell's going on when I get back, and that's an order."

Spock nodded curtly.

Jim stared at him for a few seconds before pulling Spock into a hug. Spock stood with his hands at his sides as Jim wrapped his arms around him tightly. A rush of emotions ran through Spock, dizzying in their intensity. The feeling of someone's body pressed against him was both foreign and welcome. He thought how he wouldn't mind for it to last forever. 

* * *

 

After only an hour on the planet's surface, it was evident that the sensors were accurate in their readings. The small building they came across showed the rotten remains of a battle. dried maroon and dull pink blood was splattered in patches around partially decomposed Klingons and exactly thirteen bodies in Starfleet uniforms.

  
After getting in touch with the ship, the thirteen bodies were beamed aboard. Kirk hadn't said a word. McCoy stood near him, also not talking. He would cast glances at the Captain, measuring his reactions. Several times the Doctor's arm would come up, as if wanting to comfort Jim, but would fall back to his side before it reached it's desired destination.

  
When everyone was back on board, the ship began it's long trip home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones realizes just how much he cares for Jim. Carissa finds out why Spock has been acting odd.

As soon as they were beamed aboard, McCoy followed Jim to his quarters without a word. Right as the door slid shut behind the two of them, tears fell from Jim's blue eyes. McCoy couldn't help but admire the fact that Jim had held it in for as long as he had. He went to Jim and wrapped his arms around him. Jim put his head on Bones's shoulder and cried long and hard. McCoy put his hand on the back of Jim's head, running his fingers through the thick blond hair soothingly.

"Oh Bones," Jim sobbed, "how am I s-supposed to live with myself?"

McCoy squeezed him tighter. "Don't talk like that, Jim. Don't _ever_ talk like that."

McCoy whispered comforting things, gently swaying and holding Jim until his crying tapered off into hitching breaths. McCoy's shoulder was wet and warm.

"Hey," McCoy said softly. He moved his hand off of Jim's head. Jim looked up, his eyes swollen and his cheeks flushed. "It's gonna be okay. You're gonna get through this." Jim looked down. McCoy ducked his head a little, forcing Jim to look up and meet his eyes. McCoy placed his rough palm on the side of Jim's face. "I'm gonna be here for you, okay? No matter what happens, you've got me."

He leaned forward and kissed Jim. It was quick and done with a closed mouth, completely on a whim.

If Jim was surprised, he didn't show it. The only emotion McCoy could read on his face when he pulled away was deep gratitude.

"Thanks Bones." Jim sniffed, a small smile on his lips.

McCoy offered a smile in return. "It's been a long day. You need to get some sleep."

Jim suddenly looked wary. "I don't think I can."

"Well that's what the sleep aid is for."

Jim looked sullen.

McCoy sighed. "I could give you a hypo. It would kick in sooner."

Jim shook his head.

McCoy huffed. "Jim, you've gotta take something."

Jim didn't say anything for a long while. When he finally did, he looked shy and his voice came out just above a whisper.

"I think...I could sleep if I wasn't alone."

It took McCoy a moment to register what Jim had said.

Jim's face was set, as if waiting for McCoy to decline.

Instead, He kicked off his shoes. "Would it be weird if I slept in my boxers?"

Jim gave a light shrug. "Only if you think it's weird if I sleep in mine."

McCoy returned the shrug and took off his uniform shirt in one fluid motion. Jim undid his pants and shimmied out of them, then removed his two shirts. He threw them to the side and crawled into bed, quickly situating himself under the covers. McCoy, now only in a pair of black boxer briefs, got into bed beside him.

"Lights."

The room went dark. McCoy scooted closer to Jim and put out a hand. It stretched until it came to Jim's face. He patted Jim's cheek.

"Turn the other way."

"Why?"

"Damnit kid, why can't ya just listen to your doctor?"

Jim gave a good humored sigh and turned onto his other side. McCoy scooted until Jim's warm back was against his chest. He wrapped his arm around the man's waist while the other one slithered it's way under Jim's neck. McCoy could feel Jim's body relaxing in his grip.

The Doctor felt overwhelmed by how much he loved the man he was holding. He wanted nothing more than to protect him, to never let any harm come to him. He breathed in deeply. Jim smelled faintly of pine and grass and books and...something sweet. but what was it? Something nostalgic. He brought his nose to Jim's back and inhaled. It took a second before it hit him. Peaches. That's what it was. Jim's skin had the light delicate smell of a peach. McCoy nuzzled his back lovingly and placed a kiss on the nape of his neck. Jim hummed sleepily. McCoy smiled.

"I'm not gonna let you get hurt." He whispered into Jim's neck.

He said it again, more quietly.

Those words weren't an empty reassurance. McCoy knew, at that moment, he would do anything for Jim.

* * *

 

Carissa could visibly see how distressed Spock was. His whole body was rigid and on edge. His movements seemed jerky and mechanical, lacking their normal grace and precision. Lately, he had been drifting off and acting odd, but this... this was absolutely alarming. She had been reading when Spock had requested entry into her room. He hadn't said anything since he'd entered. He had just stood there, his hands trembling slightly, his eyes roaming over everything distractedly. She watched him, her own nerves becoming frayed just by being in the presence of Spock's nervous energy.

After countless silent moments, she had had enough.

"Spock, what is going on?"

His eyes moved to her, blinked rapidly a few times, then moved away. She closed the space between them and gripped both of his hands, which were feverishly hot and shaking. She squeezed reassuringly.

Spock's eyes went back to her and seemed to focus.

"Carissa." He managed, his voice coming out gruff, as if it hadn't been used in days. She nodded her head encouragingly.

"What is it, Spock? You can tell me."

He cleared his throat. "I.." He shut his eyes, as if gathering his thoughts. "I enjoy your company. I find you to be intellectually stimulating and aesthetically pleasing."

A light green blush had risen to his cheeks. She fought hard to maintain a neutral expression. She didn't want Spock to see her confusion and become discouraged. Whatever he needed to say was obviously hard enough to get out already.

"Due to my current circumstances.... I must take a mate. And If you allow it, I would like that mate to be you."

"Woah," she said, "wait. You mean like.... _mate_  mate?"

"I do not understand your question. My meaning is that I must form a mental and physical bond with another. We shall then be mated for life."

The fact that Spock wanted to bond with her, in every sense of the word, apparently, made a blush rise to her cheeks as well.

"Well, I mean... don't you think you should think this through a bit first? We've only known each other for a few weeks-"

"Vulcans may seem like an emotionless species. But in actuality, our emotions run deeper than that of humans. Therefore, when a Vulcan feels affection for someone, it is absolute. That is how I feel towards you, Carissa. An unshakable affection."

She tried to reply, but she was flustered at his words. She had liked him since she had first laid eyes on his lean, crisp figure. And when she started talking to him, she had thought that maybe it was more than just a simple  _like_....

But this was all so sudden. Like something out of a silly romance movie that she would sometimes watch and quietly mock.

"This is... a lot to think about. Can this wait until after we get back to Earth?"

"I am afraid it cannot wait. The plak tow has set in, and I must choose a bondmate soon, or perish."

She would have sworn this was all some sort of a joke, but it was Spock. And his wavering eyes showed how serious the situation was.

"You'll die?" Her words came out just above a whisper.

The thought was unbearable.

He nodded slowly. "If you choose to bond with me, it will be for life. And because you are human, it may be dangerous. When Pon Farr has fully set in, I will not be fully in control of my emotions and actions. You must understand the severity of the situation before you agree."

Her hands, still gripping Spock's, began trembling slightly as well. Her knees felt weak. Was she willing to risk her life for this man she hardly knew? The answer came swiftly and easily. It had never been much of a decision.

"I am yours."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something unexpected happens when Spock tried to open his mind to Carissa.

Kirk woke up suddenly. His head was filled with a warmth and love that was almost blinding in it's intensity. But the emotions were not his. Something foreign was in his head, pouring affection and love and joy into his mind.

He sat up, disentangling from the arms around him and bringing his hands to his head. Bones's light snore stopped for a few moments before continuing. The presence in his head started poking and prodding gently, seeming curious. Kirk shied away from the thing, shutting his mind off as best as he could. He could feel the thing retract, hurt by the panic and confusion it found. He didn't care about the thing feeling upset. It was violating his mind, barging into the one truly private place someone could have. He tried to shove it from his head. The thing wrapped around him, not wanting to leave, sending feelings of confusion and pain. A voice spoke in his mind then, causing his body to go rigid.

_I do not understand why you are fighting against me._

That voice. He knew that voice. God, how often had he thought of that stupid voice?

_Spock?_

His head was filled with a shock that was equally felt from both sides.

_Captain?_

_Spock what the fuck is going on?_

_There has been a terrible mistake._

_Yeah, I kinda figured that much out._

Spock's presence withdrew slightly to a corner, becoming silent as it radiated a pondering curiosity. Kirk was pissed. He shoved at the thing again. Kirk could sense it's mild annoyance.

_That will not help the situation Captain._

_How about you just get the fuck out of my head?_

_It is not that simple._

_I don't care! You're a genius, figure it out!_

_When I say it is not simple, I mean it is almost impossible to break the connection once it has been forged._

_You said_ almost _impossible._

Kirk felt Spock's distress.  _Please wait a moment. I am coming to discuss this matter with you._

Kirk nodded and went to get out of bed. His hand fell on Bones. Shit. The sleeping man's eyes scrunched up a bit and his lips parted. He sighed and turned his head, his soft snoring resuming. Kirk took a moment to admire the dark stubble along Bones's strong jaw. And his messy hair. And pouty lips. Kirk climbed over him slowly, trying not to move the bed too much. He pulled on his pants quietly, casting another look at Bones. He had never stopped to consider the Doctor as more than just a friend. Last night, the kiss had been sweet and welcome but now that his head was more clear, he wasn't sure how he felt about it.

And the voice in his head wouldn't let him explore the topic any further.

_I am outside of your door, Captain._

Kirk didn't want Spock to see Bones in his bed. He hurriedly opened the door and closed it immediately behind him, leaning back against it as if stopping Spock from entering.

"Hi."

_Hello Captain._

"Damnit, don't talk to me in my head if you can help it! It's freaking me out."

"As you wish."

Spock looked awful. His hair, usually neat and sleek, was in disarray. His whole body was trembling slightly and gave off a tense heat.

"Spock, what's going on?"

"We have been bonded."

Kirk waited for more of an explanation, but Spock just looked at him, his eyes moving quickly, his tongue coming out and swiping at his dry lips. Kirk could feel the Vulcan's distress through their link.

"But what does that mean? How did it happen? And why the hell are you in my head?"

"I will be entering into Pon Farr soon. It is required to take a bondmate. When I opened my mind to form the connection with Carissa, it seems our minds bonded instead."

"Wait, you were gonna bond with Carissa?" Kirk couldn't help but feel jealous. Spock felt this and in return Kirk felt his curiosity.

"I do not see why you do not approve of my decision. She is a logical choice."

"Well, how do we switch us out then?" Kirk said sharply, trying not to be affected by the situation.

"There is no breaking the bond once it has been forged."

"You said a few minutes ago that there was a way."

Another wave of distress rolled over Kirk through the bond. The prospect seemed not to fair well with the Vulcan.

"Breaking a bond is almost unheard of. It can cause the utmost pain to a Vulcan. Though I am unsure of how a human would handle the process, it is logical to assume the pain would be unbearable. Perhaps even fatal."

"Oh." Kirk didn't really know what to say to that. "Well how long will we be stuck like this?"

"Though the link will be most strong during Pon Farr, we will remain connected until one of us perishes."

"What? You mean we're stuck like this  _forever_?"

"If we were to live, as you say, _forever_ , then yes."

This was a lot to take in. They stood in the hallway in silence, Kirk sorting through everything. Spock waited, his eyes darting to and fro, his shaking hands clasped in front of him. Kirk realized he hadn't even asked one of the most important questions.

"What is Pon Farr?"

"It is the Vulcan mating cycle."

Kirk's mind went blank. "You didn't say anything about  _mating_."

"I must mate with the person I have made the bond with every seven years, when the cycle hits."

"And what if I refuse?"

"Then I shall die."

"Jesus." Kirk said, running his hand through his hair. "This is... this is weird." Was he really going to have to have sex with Spock? Did Vulcans even have sex in the traditional sense that humans did? The prospect made him uneasy, and maybe just a little excited. "How does Carissa feel about this?"

"I have not discussed the details with her yet. She is waiting for me in her room."

Kirk felt another bout of jealousy rise up in him, this time with a bit of smugness. Spock had left her waiting so he could come talk to him. Spock's brow furrowed lightly.

"Your emotions are fascinating."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kirk said defensively, trying to suppress his thoughts.

"I do not fully understand many of the feelings you have."

Kirk ignored what Spock had said and asked a question that had been nagging at him. "Why is it that our minds bonded in the first place?"

Spock's eyes met with Kirk's. "I have never heard of an occurrence such as this. But I think it is logical to assume that without our knowing, our minds had previously made a connection. It would have been weak, unable for the two of us to feel. So when I opened my mind fully, our bond was made concrete."

Kirk thought about that. So their minds had been connected for awhile, without them knowing. The thought was certainly interesting. Kirk scratched his lower stomach absently. A sudden wave of lust ran through his body, causing him to shiver. He looked at Spock, who's eyes were no longer darting to and fro, but rather roaming over Kirk's bare chest.

"Christ, Spock." He said, feeling exposed and more than a little turned on. Was Spock actually feeling horny just by looking at him?

"I must apologize. Pon Farr has made my emotions unstable and hard to control."

Spock was blushing. Kirk thought how sexy Spock looked with his cheeks dusted light green. Spock stepped back. "I must go to Carissa and explain to her what has happened." A pang of guilt and sorrow ran through him as he said the words. Kirk nodded. Spock turned quickly and walked down the hallway.

He watched him until he was out of view. Kirk sighed, his head spinning with everything that had happened. He walked back into his room, sighing and rubbing his head. He could still feel Spock's presence in his mind.

"Headache?"

Kirk jumped. He had forgotten about Bones. He was sitting up sleepily, his face showing concern.

"Yeah. Nothing to worry about."

Bones nodded and laid back down, his brown eyes still watching him. Kirk gave him a smile. Bones returned it.

"Are you coming back to bed?"

"Um, actually, the bridge commed me, They need me to look at something."

"Oh."

Kirk could see the disappointment in his eyes. Kirk looked away and grabbed his shirts, quickly pulling them on.

"I'll um, see you later then." He said lamely. Bones sighed.

"Yeah."

Kirk felt bad for leaving him, especially after everything the man had done for him, but he needed to think.

He left the room and walked aimlessly around the ship for the rest of the night, until it was time for him to take his shift.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock can no longer fight his Pon Farr.

Carissa looked distraught as Spock explained the situation. When he finished she shook her head and gave a small laugh, which he didn't understand. The situation was in no way humorous.

"I can't believe him. He's had it out for me since my first day on this ship. It's like he had this planned all along."

"I can assure you we were both unaware of the connection before today."

She sighed. "Yeah, I know. I'm just venting." She shook her head again and sat on her bed, crossing her arms. "I guess we shouldn't see each other anymore."

"This is a very small ship, I am not sure-"

"Not like that, Spock. I mean we shouldn't have our sessions anymore. We shouldn't sit with each other at meals anymore. Things like that."

Spock felt distressed at her words. "I do not understand why."

She refused to meet his eyes as she spoke. "Kirk's your bondmate now. He's going to know you in the most intimate ways possible. Doesn't leave much room for me, now, does it? In fact, you should probably not be here now."

Spock's throat felt tight. He had expected understanding from Carissa, not this. "Please Carissa, I do not understand why you feel this way."

She stood up from her bed and looked at him, her eyes fiery with sorrow and hurt. "Because I like you, Spock. I _really_  like you. And it's clear where your affections lie. I'm not going to compete with him."

Her voice was strong and steady, but her eyes were shining, on the verge of tears. He stepped towards her.

"Though I am bonded with Jim, my affections lie with you. You must understand that."

She looked down and chewed her bottom lip distractedly. When she looked back up, her eyes were no longer shining. They were curious.

"You love him, don't you? And he loves you. That's why the bond was formed."

Love. Such a subjective word. Spock couldn't think of a single time he had ever said it out loud. Less than a dozen times had the word even come into his thoughts. But out of those times, how many had James Kirk been related to? The answer shocked him.

"I believe I might love him." Spock admitted, the word feeling odd on his tongue. Carissa didn't seem surprised. She turned to go back to her bed but Spock grabbed her gently by the arm. "But that does not diminish my feelings for you." She gave him a look that showed her disbelief. He continued. "I may love the Captain, but is it not possible to love you as well? Because I  _do_  love you, Carissa."

Her face softened into a mild blissful wonder.

He looked steadily at her. "May I kiss you?"

Her lips moved into her signature light smile. She leaned her head forward as he raised his hand in the traditional Vulcan ta'al.

"Oh." She giggled as she leaned back. He began to put his hand down, looking mildly embarrassed. She grabbed his forearm and gently guided it back up.

"How about this?" She said, bringing her lips to his index and middle finger. She traced light kisses down the two fingers. He shivered, his sensitive digits feeling the light ghost of her breath and the softness of her lips. "A little bit Vulcan," She said, bringing her lips to his ring finger and pinkie now, "A little bit human."

Carissa placed a long kiss on the center of his palm before grabbing his hand and guiding it to her cheek. She held it there, nuzzling it lightly, her eyes closed.

Spock's body was tense. The urge to take her, then and there, was overwhelming. He tried to hold onto his logic, to his sanity, but feeling her smooth skin under his hand was making it difficult. Just then, her lips brushed against his thumb, parting slightly to take the tip in. Her tongue swirled around it lightly before she let her teeth graze the flesh. With that, all coherent thought was gone.

He grabbed her and slammed their lips together. His tongue dived into her mouth and explored it roughly, his hands roaming over her back, in her long dark hair. She kissed him back eagerly, trying to keep his frantic pace. He brought their bodies flush against each other, his half-hard cock pressed against her thigh. She moved her hips in a fluid motion, rubbing herself against him. He let out a low growl and kissed her harder, pressed against her harder, grabbed her harder-

He bit her lip and she flinched, letting out a gasp. She tried pulling back but Spock was lost in his lust. He kissed her, blood from her lip mingling with his saliva. She squirmed, trying to pull away from his grasp, but his Vulcan strength kept her in place. She turned her head far enough to break the kiss, though Spock's lips tried following her.

"Spock, please." She pleaded. "You're hurting me."

His lips were on her neck now, nipping and biting.

"Spock-"

_Jesus Christ Spock, I'm trying to read and you are making it very difficult. What the hell are you doing?_

  
The voice in his head brought him back. He realized that his grip was painfully tight around Carissa, that her hands were on his chest, weakly trying to push him away. Her wide brown eyes looked frightened. Her bottom lip was swollen, a thin trail of blood running down her chin. He let go of her quickly, stepping away. His breathing was labored, his whole body trembling. Carissa quickly wrapped her arms around herself. His whole body burned with the need to have her. His muscles twitched, as if urging him to grab her. But his mind was back, if only partially.

"I....apologize....." He said through gritted teeth. He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing to no avail.

"It's okay." Carissa said weakly. "I understand."

Spock could feel Jim probing around in his head, his own lust mingling with Spock's.

"I must join with Jim tonight."

Carissa didn't say anything. Spock turned and left the room. He was nearly running down the hall. 

_Where are you Jim?_

_I'm in my quarters, why? Were you with Carissa-?_

_I will be there shortly._

* * *

 

Jim was confused (and way more than a little turned on) by the feelings pulsing through him from Spock's end of their connection. An animalistic lust, desperate, burning, aching. When he heard the small beep from his door he opened it and saw Spock with his chest heaving, his pupils completely consuming his irises. The man in front of him didn't wait to be invited in, or exchange pleasantries.

He grabbed Jim's short blond hair and kissed him hard. Jim was shocked, his mouth only hesitating for a brief second before falling into stride, taking everything Spock had to offer. Spock tasted sweet and dark, like raspberries. Jim had fantasized about this for so long, and now Spock's tongue was in his mouth, dancing over his teeth, pressing his own tongue down and fighting for dominance. Spock's grip was like iron, surely leaving bruises on his arms, but he didn't care. He wanted Spock to mark him, to take him, to be Spock's completely.

Spock pulled away long enough to push Jim onto the narrow bed. Jim propped himself up on his elbows, his chest heaving and his cheeks flushed. His blue eyes burned into Spock who stood over him, his dark eyes roaming greedily over his spread form. Jim opened his legs and rolled his hips seductively, his erection straining against his pants. Spock growled deep in his throat. He said something to Jim through their link, in a language Jim didn't know. But he could tell by the sexual rush Spock was sending through the link and the dark tone of the words that the Vulcan was talking dirty to him. Jim moaned at the thought, throwing his head back onto his pillow. Spock crawled on top of him and brought their lips together. Spock's knee was between Jim's legs. Jim whimpered and tried to pull Spock onto him, but Spock wouldn't budge. He ravaged Jim's mouth, biting and sucking his kiss-swollen lips. Jim's hand went to his erection, achingly hard. But Spock's own hand shot out and grabbed it, pinning it by Jim's head.

"t'nash-veh." Spock growled, his voice low and threatening, sending chills through Jim. Spock bit his neck roughly, causing him to moan. "t'nash-veh." He whispered into the bruising flesh. Through their connection, Kirk could feel the meaning of the word.

 _Mine_.

He shivered and arched his back, bringing their bodies together.

_Fuck me Spock_

Spock pulled away just enough to yank off Jim's shirt. He threw it to the side and quickly got to Jim's pants. Jim raised his hips so Spock could pull them off. Spock unceremoniously removed his boxers, throwing them over his shoulder. Spock rose up onto his knees so he was over Jim's naked form. He took his shirt off, his eyes looking over every inch of Jim as he did so. Jim reached up and ran his hand over the thin dark trail of hair that led down past Spock's waistline. Spock watched him do this, his chest rising and falling deeply. His hips twitched as Jim's fingers got close to his clothed erection. Jim played around it until Spock grew impatient and grabbed Jim's hand, placing it directly on his cock. Jim rubbed it through his pants, impressed by the size of it. Spock made a small pleased noise and rocked his hips as Jim's hand worked him.

Spock suddenly grabbed Jim's hand and pushed it away. He unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down along with his boxers, balancing on one knee and then another to remove them completely. Spock's cock was long and thick, the head a pale green. Slightly darker green veins ran delicately up the base. Kirk wondered if he tasted different than a human.

Spock leaned down and kissed him again, wrapping his long thin fingers around Kirk's cock and stroking him. Jim moaned into Spock's mouth, thrusting his hips into his hand.

_Spock, oh Spock-_

Spock positioned himself between Kirk's legs. Jim sent him an image of his nightstand. Spock leaned over and quickly opened the top drawer, pulling out a small tube. He unscrewed the top and coated his fingers. The whole time Jim watched Spock's cock pulsing with his heartbeat. Spock lifted Jim's hips easily and brought a slick finger to his entrance. Jim tried to relax his body as Spock's finger slid past the ring of muscle. Spock worked his finger in quickly, adding a second one soon afterwards. He scissored Jim open roughly. Jim could feel the Vulcan's impatience pulsing through his mind.

_I'm ready enough, just fuck me_

Spock quickly slid his fingers out and positioned the head of his cock. He pressed in none too gently, completely sheathing himself in one fluid motion. Kirk couldn't help but let out a small scream that dwindled into a low throaty moan as Spock slid against that cluster of nerves that caused his fists to clench and his eyes to roll in the back of his head.

Spock set a brutal pace, slamming in and out hard and fast, making sure to hit the same spot every time. Jim could do little else but be fucked senseless, gripping Spock tight and moaning wantonly.

Spock said something in Vulcan, his voice low and deep. The words made Jim moan louder, arching his back.

He came then, his cock untouched, shooting hotly between their bodies. He could feel himself clenching around Spock, eliciting a low moan from the man. Spock paused long enough to lean down and lick a small patch of come from Jim's chest before continuing his rough thrusts.

Kirk ran his hands over Spock, sending all of his pleasure through their link. Spock came soon afterwards, his breath hitching and his mouth opening. He rode out his orgasm silently. His face, usually stoic and emotionless, was open before him, showing every ounce of bliss and pleasure that ran through his body.

_You are mine._

Spock's hand ran over Jim's chest as his orgasm slowly ebbed.

_Mine._


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim tries to distract himself from Spock, so he invites McCoy over

Kirk couldn't sleep. Most of the time, it wouldn't be surprising. But on that particular night, Jim  _wanted_  to sleep. His body ached, his ass was sore, and his eyes were burning from exhaustion. But Spock's mind was thrumming with adrenaline, making it impossible for Jim to ignore his presence. He had considered telling Spock to chill out, but Jim knew that he couldn't help it. Pon Farr just did that to you, evidently.

Jim thought sleepily that Spock probably needed to mate again. Kirk wouldn't mind having another round, no matter how tired he was. But Spock hadn't tried to contact him, so Kirk didn't bother either. Spock wasn't his boyfriend, after all. He knew that Spock wasn't in his right mind right now. After last night, when Spock had quickly dressed and dismissed himself from his room, Kirk made sure to neatly stamp out any belief that Spock actually wanted him. Spock had did what he did merely because circumstance had made it necessary. Every time Jim's mind would wander to thoughts of Spock's dark eyes burning into him, the way his hands had roamed over Jim's hips, chest, thighs, marking him, taking him, pouring every ounce of his passion through their link... Jim would force himself to stop and think of the way Spock had thrown him to the side after the Klingon attack. How cold and efficiently Spock had cut him out of his life. The memory definitely helped keep Kirk sober.

Kirk stared up at the ceiling, his hands folded beneath his head. He wondered if he would be able to sleep at all during Spock's Pon Farr.

From the link, Kirk felt a stirring desire. It blossomed quickly into a desperate lust. Kirk could feel his cock stiffening. Kirk wondered if Spock had decided to relieve himself. Thinking of Spock laying in bed masturbating made Kirk sigh and bring his hands from behind his head and onto his lower stomach. He wished Spock was there with him. What did Spock think of when he masturbated? Kirk didn't want to pry into Spock's head, but the thought was too delicious to not pursue.

He reached out tentatively and touched Spock's mind.

_Skin on skin, sighing into each other's mouths, soft gentle touches, fighting for control of his desire_

Kirk hummed softly and slid one hand into his boxers, finding his cock and stroking it slowly along to Spock's thoughts.

_So flushed and beautiful against the pillow, hair a dark halo around her head, wide eyes looking up at him, wanting him to continue, trusting him completely-_

Kirk's hand stopped. Carissa. He was thinking of Carissa. He felt nauseous. The waves of lust still rolled over him. It was an odd combination that made his head spin. His head was filled with images of Carissa, her pouty lips moist from kissing, her eyes shut.

_Spock, could you please cut it out? It's the middle of the damned night!_

Kirk could actually feel Spock shudder in pleasure.

 _Jim, I was not aware you were awake. I...._  his thought sputtered as another deep wave of pleasure rolled through him. _I must apologize._

Kirk sent a mental huff at Spock. _Well, just stop with your fantasies and stuff, I don't need to see all of that._

Kirk felt a small confusion radiating from Spock.

_I am not fantasizing Captain._

_What?_

A spike of lust ran through Spock, making Jim's cock twitch. Jim could see Carissa grabbing Spock's thick erection in her small delicate hand, stroking lightly as she kissed the shell of his pointed ear.

_Oh god. She's with you right now, isn't she?_

Spock didn't reply, his mind fuzzy and euphoric. Jim thought he might throw up. He couldn't handle this. His cock ached painfully.

He turned on his stomach and put his pillow over his head, trying to block out the images in his head. The horniness wasn't going anywhere, so he decided to construct his own fantasy, anything to take his mind from what was going on somewhere else on the ship. Bones was the first thing to pop in his head. He grabbed the idea quickly and began thinking of how Bones' mouth would taste, how is cock would feel, what he would sound like when he was moaning. Jim filled his mind with the Doctor's skillful calloused hands, his eyes, his voice, his everything, until Jim was humping the mattress lightly and making small noises.

Kirk got a flash of Spock kissing one of Carissa's breasts. He groaned in anger and got up from bed. He commed Sickbay until a grumpy voice answered.

"Whatever it is, it better be good." Bones said sleepily.

"Come to my room." Kirk said, fighting to keep the moan from his voice.

"Why, did something happen?" The sleepiness had quickly dissipated from his voice, leaving behind an urgency.

"Bones, just,  _please_." Jim pleaded.

"I'll be there in a minute."

The comm clicked off. Jim stood there, the front of his pants tented. In his head, he felt Spock's pleasure as Carissa gave a breathy laugh when Spock's nose tickled her neck.

Jim paced back and forth. When the door slid open Bones stepped into the room with a light scowl on his face. He was in his boxers and a plain white shirt, his dark hair tousled.

"What in the hell is this ab-"

Bones couldn't finish his sentence because Jim's mouth was on his, kissing him roughly. It took Bones a few seconds to respond, his mouth hesitantly returning the kiss. Jim rocked his body into McCoy's. Bones reached behind Jim and grabbed his ass, pulling him closer. Bones broke the kiss. Jim made a small whining noise, not wanting to stop feeling those pouty lips against his.

"I  _know_  you didn't just wake me up because you were horny." Bones said, slightly out of breath.

"That's exactly what I just did." He smiled deviously at Bones, who made a small noise and brought their lips together again. Their cocks were straining against each other. Bones tugged at Jim's bottom lip with his teeth.

"So beautiful." He sighed into Jim's mouth.

Jim responded by rolling his hips into McCoy's. Bones pulled away and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of Jim's boxers, pulling them down so Jim could step out of them. Jim thought suddenly of the bruises on his hips, from where Spock had gripped him. He hoped the room was dark enough for Bones not to notice. The thought quickly slipped away as Bones grabbed his exposed cock and pumped it a few times, using the perfect amount of pressure, his wrist twisting slightly. He leaned over to whisper into Jim's ear.

"I've wanted to touch you like this for so long."

Jim's hips bucked forward at the gruff voice breathing in his ear.

"Ever since that shuttle ride to the academy, I've wanted you." Bones lightly bit Jim's neck, his hand still skillfully working his cock. "Can't tell you how many times I've thought of fucking you."

Jim moaned and ran his fingers through the Doctor's hair. McCoy pulled away and stripped off his shirt. Jim tugged at his boxers until those too were off. Jim's cock twitched in anticipation as he looked at Bones's thick erection.

McCoy kissed him again, his large calloused hand wrapping around both of their dicks at once.

"Oh Bones." Jim sighed as their erections were pressed together and rubbed.

_Captain, what are you doing?_

Spock's pleasure was still tumbling through his mind, but a sort of annoyance underlined it.

_I'm just having some fun of my own._

Jim kissed McCoy's slightly stubbled jawline.  _What? Does it bother you to see Bones-_

Jim sent images of their cocks pressed together, McCoy's hand twisting and squeezing,

_in such an intimate way?_

_Captain, you must not-_

_Not what? I can fuck who I like. And I_ really _like our Doctor._

_Jim, please, you must not do this to me._

Jim ignored Spock's pleas and kissed McCoy harder, walking backwards until his legs hit his bed. They both fell onto the mattress, the delicious weight of the Doctor fully on top of Jim.

"Fuck me Bones," Jim moaned both out loud and in his head. He smiled inwardly as he felt Spock's rush of lust at the words.

McCoy's steady hands ran over Jim's chest. He arched his back into the touch, sending Spock an image of the Doctor's dark eyes shining in the dark room, the way his sizable cock pulsed hotly against Jim's lower stomach, his pink tongue running along his full bottom lip.

Spock said something dark and dirty in Vulcan. The lust that had been radiating him became desperate and animalistic. Images of Carissa flashed in his mind, Spock kissing her rough, his slender fingers holding her tightly.

Kirk pushed them away and focused on McCoy, who had found the lube in Jim's nightstand and was in the process of spreading it on his fingers.

"How often do you finger yourself, Jim?" Bones asked, his voice low and rough as he swirled his finger around the tight muscle of Jim's hole.

Jim's voice came out weak and needy, "It, ahh, depends."

McCoy leaned down and kissed Jim's neck. "Have you ever thought of me?"

Jim answered honestly.

"Yes."

Jim could feel the smile against his skin. Bones slid one finger into him, only to the knuckle. He pistoned it in and out slowly, showering Jim's neck in kisses. He carefully added a second finger, stretching him slowly and thoroughly. His fingers quickly found Jim's prostate and stroked it lovingly. He watched Jim's face as he fell apart at his touch.

"So beautiful." He whispered again, adding a third finger.

Jim tried to moved his hips on McCoy's fingers, desperate to be filled. Bones chuckled.

He stretched him a bit more, stroking Jim in ways that made him keen and want to come right then. But every time he was near the brink, Bones would pull back, letting him come down.

"Such a tease." Jim laughed breathlessly. McCoy hummed and kissed him sweetly, his tongue tracing his lip.

"You like it."

Jim moaned as that spot was brushed again.

Jim could feel Spock observing them, drinking in every bit of Jim's pleasure as he had Carissa.

Bones removed his fingers slowly, making Jim squirm for more. Bones positioned himself so the tip of his cock was pressing against Jim's hole. He pushed in slowly, inch by inch. Jim gasped as he was impaled and stretched. When Bones was fully inside, he kissed Jim again.

"You okay?" He asked breathlessly.

Jim nodded and moved his hips, urging Bones to continue.

Bones fucked him slowly, making sure every thrust in and out brushed against the spot that made Jim melt. Jim's whole body was alive and buzzing with lust and need. At this point, he couldn't separate where his ended and Spock's began. His brain felt overloaded with thoughts of flesh and pleasure and desire.

McCoy kissed his collar bone and wrapped his hand around Jim' cock. The pleasure intensified to a dizzying degree as McCoy's lube-slick fingers pumped his shaft.

"Fuck, Bones." He moaned, tightening his thighs around the man.

Spock said something in Vulcan through their bond, his orgasm building.

Bones leaned forward and breathed in Jim's ear. "Call me Leonard." He kissed him roughly before continuing. "I wanna hear you say it."

Jim felt himself tipping over the edge.

"Leonard." He moaned wantonly. "I'm gonna come-"

and he did, splattering along his and Leonard's chest. He could feel Spock finish at the same time. Jim thought he might pass out, experiencing two orgasms simultaneously. The Doctor came soon afterwards.

He looked at Jim as they both panted. A smile broke out on his face as he leaned down and placed a kiss on Jim's temple. Jim's head felt foggy and his eyes began to close.

He fell asleep with Bones still on top of him, kissing him and whispering lovingly into his ear.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fallout from the previous night ensues. Bones finds out something he isn't too happy about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was originally gonna discontinue this story because the person I was writing it for wasn't too happy with it, but I decided against it because that wouldn't be very fair to the people who are actually enjoying the story, now would it? But I am gonna go ahead and speed things up, and by speed things up I mean cut the story by about 10k words. So if the plot seems a little rushed, well, you know why now. I'm gonna try to wrap up the story in 1-2 more chapters. If you've made it this far in the story, thanks so much for enjoying my ridiculous ramblings and smutty nonsense!

Jim looked so lovely when he slept. The Doctor had been watching him for hours, running his hand through his blonde hair. God, Jim was fantastic. McCoy couldn't help but feel in awe. A brave Captain of a starship. A loyal friend, willing to do anything for those he loved. A man who meant the world to him. He sighed and pressed a light kiss against Jim's bare shoulder.

"If only you knew how wonderful you really are." He whispered to the sleeping man.

Jim breathed deeply and turned onto his back, still fast asleep. McCoy would have to wake him up soon. He climbed slowly on top of Jim, trying not to move the bed too much. He looked down at the sleeping man and smiled. McCoy leaned down and kissed Jim's collar bone. His lips trailed down to one of Jim's nipples. He swirled his tongue around it, making it pebble. Jim sighed, still asleep as far as McCoy could tell. He gave the other nipple the same treatment, enjoying the sweet smell of Jim's skin.

He left his chest and began trailing kisses down his arm. He scraped his teeth lightly against Jim's bicep. He noticed bruises there. He ran his hand gently over the darkened flesh. They were obviously left there by fingers. He hadn't realized he had been so rough. McCoy told himself he would have to apologize to Jim when he was awake and take him to sickbay to get them treated.

He continued his trail down to his forearm. He kissed the inside of Jim's wrist before picking up the heavy hand and bringing it to the side of his face. The sleeping hand cupped McCoy's cheek loosely. He nuzzled into it before placing it carefully back at Jim's side.

McCoy could sense that Jim was slowly waking up. His breathing wasn't as deep and his eyes fluttered slightly. He moved to the other arm and covered it in light kisses. When he got the the hand, he licked up the side of Jim's index finger. Jim exhaled deeply. McCoy went back to Jim's chest, kissing the lightly tanned skin. His kisses went lower as he crawled backward slowly. He pulled the blanket from around Jim's waist so that his soft cock was exposed, laying limply on Jim's thigh. Long dark bruises covered Jim's waist. McCoy felt a wave of guilt. He really didn't think he'd been that rough, but then again he  _had_  been half asleep and half out of his mind with desire. He cursed under his breath for being so careless with Jim. He leaned down and kissed the bruises tenderly. He left the marks and trailed his tongue over the dark blonde path that led to the base of Jim's cock. Jim moaned sleepily. McCoy kissed down the length, letting his tongue swipe lazily at the flesh. Jim's cock twitched. McCoy cupped Jim's balls and gently kneaded them as his mouth went to the head. He licked along Jim's slit, tasting the warm salty musk, and the vague bitterness of Jim's come from a few hours ago. McCoy could think of few things that tasted better.

He took Jim's hardening cock in his mouth, sucking and flicking his tongue along the underside. Jim was moaning breathily now. His hand went to the back of McCoy's head and tangled itself in his dark hair. His hips were gently bucking up into the Doctor's mouth. McCoy took all he could, hollowing out his cheeks. He thought blissfully that he wouldn't mind sucking Jim's cock for hours. But for now, he had to make Jim come quickly or they'd both be late for their shifts.

He let Jim's cock slide down the back of his throat. Jim made a small whimpering noise that formed into a throaty moan as McCoy swallowed around his length, causing his moist throat to tighten.

"Fuck." Jim breathed.

McCoy hummed, eliciting another long moan from Jim as the vibrations traveled through him. McCoy bobbed his head, sucking hard.

"Leonard, oh  _god_  Leonard-" Jim gasped, his grip tightening in McCoy's hair.

Jim's thighs tightened as he spilled into McCoy's mouth. McCoy swallowed eagerly.

Jim sighed contentedly. "Morning."

McCoy pulled off of Jim, giving the head one last lick to catch the last drop. "Morning." He gave Jim a playful smile before getting out of bed and stretching lithely. "Time to get up."

Jim usually would have huffed and protested, but he was still hazy from sleep and orgasm. On the bedside table, Jim's communicator chirped. He sat up sleepily and flipped it open.

"Yeah?"

"Captain, please inform Doctor McCoy he is needed in sickbay immediately."

McCoy turned when he heard his name. "Is that Spock?"

Jim didn't reply to him, but to his communicator. "He'll be right there, Why, what happened?"

An edge reached Spock's voice. "I will discuss the details with you soon, Captain."

With that, the connection was lost. Jim closed the communicator and set it down, scooting out of bed hurriedly.

"Shit." He whispered under his breath. McCoy had pulled on his pants and was now searching the small room for his shirt. He found it on top of Jim's desk. He was confused by the conversation he had just witnessed. He watched Jim hurriedly pull on his uniform.

"Jim."

He looked up at McCoy while slipping his shoes on. "Yeah?"

"How did Spock know I was in your room?"

Jim's mouth opened, then closed. McCoy could see his mind racing. After a brief pause Jim straightened up. "I can't explain right now."

McCoy looked him over skeptically before leaving the room. He didn't know what was going on, but he would find out soon enough.

* * *

When he made it to sickbay, Spock was standing by one of the beds, his back rigid and his face unreadable. Carissa was on her back, her face scrunched up with pain.

"What's going on?" McCoy asked as he approached Carissa, pushing Spock to the side and grabbing his scanner from the small table beside her.

"I think, ah, something might be broken" She gasped, moving her hand around her hips. McCoy swept the device over the area and looked at the readings.

"Fractured pelvic bone." He set the scanner down and grabbed a hypospray, quickly administering it to her arm. Carissa's painful expression dissolved into a sleepy awareness. McCoy shooed Spock out.

When he removed the blanket that was over her, he could see that she was wearing nothing but Spock's blue uniform shirt. Her hips were lined with dark bruises, and her pelvis was swollen. He pursed his lips and set to work. Within ten minutes, the fracture was repaired and the swelling gone. Carissa looked up at him gratefully when he scanned the area again to make sure everything was in order.

"Thanks." She whispered.

He nodded as he got a small tub of cream from the table beside him. He took the lid off and dipped his fingers into the pale pink contents. He began dabbing it on the bruises. She shivered slightly at the cold cream.

"These bruises," He began. "They aren't entirely fresh. They've had a few hours to settle. Same with your fracture, the swelling was too advanced for it to have just happened."

Carissa looked upset, but her voice was steady and matter of fact. "I blacked out."

McCoy could feel his anger building. He knew exactly what had happened to Carissa, but he needed to hear it. "It was Spock's Pon Farr, wasn't it?"

She didn't say anything, making a point to stare at something behind him.

He sighed. "It was very dangerous for you to agree to bond with him. I told him to be careful, and to tell me when it started. But of course that pointy-eared hobgoblin decided he didn't need to listen to his damned Doctor."

She looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears. "He wasn't trying to hurt me. Everything was going so gentle and nice, but then...something in him just snapped."

McCoy nodded. "Pon Farr can make a Vulcan very unpredictable. Even to his bondmate."

Carissa gave a little laugh. "Seems to me that Kirk's just fine."

McCoy stopped spreading the cream and looked at her questioningly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Carissa was still fighting back tears. "I'm not his bondmate. Kirk is."

McCoy couldn't process the words. "Kirk is..."

"Yes, bonded to Spock!" She snapped, the tears rolling from her eyes. "I thought I could make it work with him, but this is just too much."

She wiped at her eyes angrily. McCoy's whole body felt numb with the news. Jim was bonded with Spock. Jim belonged to Spock. It explains why Spock knew he had been with Jim. How long had Jim planned to hide this from him?

He pushed the thoughts away, knowing he'd have plenty of time to mull them over later. McCoy focused his attention on Carissa. She was nearly hysterical. He leaned over and gave her shoulder a light squeeze.

"It's not Spock's fault. In the state he's in, he can't help himself-"

"I don't care that he hurt me!" She said, her eyes fiery. She took a few deep breaths. McCoy covered up the last of the bruises, thinking with s sick realization that Jim had the same ones on him. Carissa looked at him again, this time looking unbelievably fragile. "It's just that... I know I can never _fully_  be his. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, there's always gonna be _him_."

McCoy felt hot tears prickling his own eyes at the words. He turned away before she could see. He knew how she felt. He knew all too well. He blinked rapidly a few times, grabbing a cloth from the table and turning towards her when he was composed again. He began wiping the pink cream away, revealing fresh and unmarked skin underneath.

"That's the thing about love, kid." He said gruffly. "It's a heartless bastard. And it's completely blind. It doesn't matter how much you are right for a person, or how good that person is for you. In the end, it's really up to what that heartless bastard wants. And what it wants usually ain't a walk in the park."

She gave another laugh. "Isn't that the truth.

" He smiled sadly down at her and she returned it. He set the cloth down and covered her with the blanket.

"There. All better." He grabbed another hypospray. "I'm gonna give you a mild sedative so you can get some sleep."

He shot it into her arm and watched as her big brown eyes closed slowly.

He sighed and wished that everything could be as simple as going to sleep.

* * *

Spock fought the urge to claw open the Captain's door when it didn't open immediately. When it did finally open, Spock stepped close to Kirk, keeping his hands clasped tightly behind his back, because he knew if they weren't, they'd be around Kirk's neck.

"You made me hurt her." He whispered, the venom dripping from each word.

Kirk's blue eyes widened in surprise. "What? Spock, I don't know wha-"

"You made me hurt Carissa. I told you to stop, but you continued."

Kirk looked shocked and confused. He took a step back from Spock. "Stop what? You mean with Bones?"

"Yes I mean with  _Bones_!" Spock shouted, saying the nickname with contempt. "I was trying not to lose control with her, but you insisted on making it impossible!"

"Oh god, is she okay?" Kirk asked, looking slightly panicked.

Spock gritted his teeth together. "She will be fine. No thanks to you."

The relief was evident on the Captain's face. "Shit. Spock, I really had no idea."

"You  _knew_  I was unstable. You  _knew_  I had warned you to desist."

Kirk ran his hand threw his hair. "I thought you were, well, trying to make me jealous with Carissa."

Spock unclasped his hands and shoved Jim, making him topple onto his bed.

"You thought I was trying to make you upset?" Spock took a step towards Jim. He took a sick delight in seeing Jim flinch back and feeling his fear spike through their link. "Not everything happens on your account, Captain." He took another step towards him, now looming over the man. "You are a selfish, wreckless man." Spock said, his voice a deadly whisper.

He reached down and grabbed a fistful of Kirk's blond hair, pulling it hard enough to make Kirk wince. Spock could feel his own adrenaline mingling with the Captains. His cock was straining against his pants. Spock jerked Kirk's head back so his electric blue eyes were forced to look up at him. Spock could feel and see the Captain's confusion at his arousal. Spock didn't bother answering. He could feel his mind being consumed by the wild lust. He used his free hand to open Kirk's mouth. He slid a finger between Kirk's full lips. He pistoned it in and out, bucking his hips when Kirk's teeth would graze the flesh. Spock hated himself for being so illogical during Pon Farr. And he hated the man in front of him, looking so seductive, so wanting.

He pushed Jim back down onto the bed and undid his pants, pulling out his cock. Jim looked at it, his own excitement pouring through the link. Spock crawled onto the bed and ripped Jim's pants off. Spock led his aching cock to Jim's hole and pushed in completely, relishing the small scream that escaped Jim. Jim still had lube inside him from his time with McCoy, making Spock's entrance quick and fluid. Spock began pounding into him, holding back just enough to not cause any serious damage.

He swam in the feelings of pain and pleasure that Jim was experiencing. Jim was making small pleading noises, his eyes shut, his head thrown back. Spock growled and fucked him harder, wanting to hear Jim make those beautiful noises louder.

He heard the door slide open to his right but he was too lost to even care.

"Bones." Jim said, his voice unsteady.

Spock felt a wave of guilt and despair come from Kirk as he heard the door slide shut. Spock didn't care. The only thing that mattered right now was the pleasure. The Captain was no longer making those small beautiful noises but it didn't matter. Spock was close.

He thrusted into Kirk roughly and came with a low keening noise.

He breathing hard, his thoughts slowly reorganizing themselves now that his adrenaline had been drained. He looked down at Jim. He was looking away from him, refusing to meet his eyes. Spock pulled away, getting out of Jim's bed quickly. Jim didn't move. Spock could have mistaken him for a corpse if it wasn't for the despair flooding through every inch of his being.

Spock felt like a monster.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk is tired of causing so much pain to others

Kirk hadn't moved since Spock left. The expression on Bones's face kept on replaying in his head. Kirk could have handled sadness, anger, outrage. But he couldn't handle the hollowness he had seen. Bones had looked at him as if he wasn't there, as if any life behind his eyes had been snuffed out. He could tell from that one quick look that anything they had ever had, friendship or otherwise, was over.

And on top of that, Kirk felt a steady stream of emotions from Spock. Anger, hate, repulsion. Kirk felt sick. Sick of screwing everything up. Sick of hurting the people he cared about most.

He laid in bed and wished he would never have to get up.

* * *

Bones wouldn't acknowledge him, and Kirk couldn't really blame him. He hadn't seen Spock since the incident four days ago, but he could still feel the hate pulsing steadily through their connection. Kirk couldn't eat. He hadn't slept a single second. Every time his eyes closed, all he could see was Bones in the doorway, and all he could feel was Spock's anger. The absolute absence of sleep had made him feel as if he was decomposing. Everything on him felt sluggish and empty. He wondered vaguely how long a human could go without eating or sleeping, but he found that he didn't really care. He kind of hoped he'd just fall over and everything would be over.

And on that particular afternoon, Kirk almost got his wish. When he got up from his chair, he took three steps before collapsing. Sulu was at his side almost instantly. No one on the bridge said anything as Sulu helped Kirk get shakily to his feet. Sulu shot an angry glance around the room, as if challenging someone to comment. Everyone averted their eyes and continued working. Sulu got a better grip on Kirk and walked him over to the turbolift. Kirk weakly tried to push Sulu away.

"I'm fine. Really."

Sulu tightened his grip and pulled him into the turbolift. When the door slid closed Sulu curtly said into the small room, "Sickbay."

Kirk's weak struggle continued. "No. I'm okay, I don't need to go-"

Sulu cut him off. "Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

Kirk sighed. "Sure."

"You are full of shit. You haven't been the same since the attack, and everyone thinks you've got a death wish." Sulu turned his head to look at the Captain's gaunt features. "And I'm starting to think they may be right."

Kirk's head was pounding. He was in no mood to be scolded like a five year old. He tried once more to pull away, but Sulu's strong grip was unwavering. Kirk huffed.

He didn't have time to consider his situation because right then the doors slid open and Sulu was dragging him to the nearest bed. Sulu laid him down on his back and began talking to Bones.

The light above Kirk was aggravating his pounding headache. He groaned and turned his head to the side, both to avoid the light and to avoid the [Doctor](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9449085/12/Home-Is-Among-The-Stars). He focused on the conversation going on between Sulu and Bones.

"...can't believe you let him get to this point!"

"I'm not his damned father. He's a grown man, if he was having problems it's not like my doors were locked."

"Just listen to yourself! I don't know why you're suddenly acting like you don't care, but this is our Captain, our  _friend_ -"

"As far as I'm concerned, he's not much of a Captain  _or_  a friend."

The room was silent. Kirk could physically feel his heart ache at Leonard's words.

Sulu cleared his throat. "I don't really care what you think of him. How about you do your job as a fucking Doctor and care for him as a human being?"

Bones sighed.

A few more tense moments passed before Kirk heard Sulu's footsteps retreat and the sound of the door sliding open then shut.

Kirk realized he was crying, but he didn't think he could manage to lift his arm to his face to wipe away the tears. He tried to control it, not wanting Bones to see him so weak, but a sob ripped through him anyways.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled.

Bones didn't respond.

Kirk continued, his voice shaky and weak. "I'm greedy. I'm reckless. I'm a mess. I know that. Just...I can't take this anymore, Leonard. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone."

Bones still didn't say anything.

With great effort, Kirk turned his head to the man. But Bones wasn't there. Kirk barked a dry laugh. The Doctor had left him. Everyone always left him.

Well, that wasn't quite true. Spock was still in his mind, his acidic hate still pulsing steadily.

Kirk thought of everything he had done. Killing his crew members with his recklessness. Causing Spock to lash out and hurt the one he cared for, probably ruining any relationship Carissa and Spock may have had. And Leonard. Leonard who always put his own needs last. Who was gentle and caring and had a history of heartbreak. Kirk couldn't imagine how Bones had felt when he finally opened his wary heart to love someone again. And how it felt to have that heart broken again.

Kirk decided he couldn't blame Bones for leaving him. He couldn't really blame anyone for leaving him.

Without much thought, he had decided what he was going to do.

He retreated into his mind and found the link that brought him and Spock together. He gathered his strength and began to mentally severe the connection. His head erupted into a searing pain, but he continued. He could feel Spock's alertness at the new feeling. Spock began to prod at him, trying to figure out what was going on. Kirk blocked him out and focused.

He could feel Spock's presence fading gradually, along with Spock's panic as he figured out what Kirk was doing. Kirk cried out loud, the pain wracking through his body. He could feel his own consciousness slipping away.

There was one last thread, he could feel it. He just needed to break that one last thread and it would be over, no more hurting Spock, no more hurting Leonard, no more hurting...


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Kirk's actions

McCoy heard the cry from the other room. He dropped the feeding tube he had been getting and ran into the main area. He saw Kirk's body convulse once before falling limp on the narrow bed.

He was at Jim's side in a flash. His hands, usually so steady, were trembling as he felt for a pulse.

Nothing.

McCoy could feel his panic growing. But on the outside, a deadly calm had settled. He worked carefully, using electric stimulation on Jim's heart. Nothing. Trying a shot of adrenaline. Nothing. Even the old mouth-to-mouth technique. Still nothing.

He didn't know how long he worked, Jim's blue eyes staring vacantly past him, tears drying on his cooling cheeks. McCoy's vision was blurring with his own tears.

No.

Jim wasn't gone. He couldn't just be  _gone_. He slammed his fist into Jim's chest in a mixture of anger and grief. He had tried everything but Jim still remained still and lifeless. McCoy's eyes searched Jim, looking for something,  _anything_.

"Stop it! You aren't dead!"

He grabbed Jim's shoulders and shook him, as if Jim might just be sleeping. His head lolled grotesquely to the side.

"No..." McCoy sobbed. "No, no, no, no..."

He pulled Jim to his chest, cradling his limp form. McCoy had been so mad at him, but he had never stopped loving him. Had Jim known that?

A sob wracked through McCoy as he held Jim's lifeless body tight.

"I love you. I love you, I love you." He chanted, as if saying the words over and over would somehow make Jim know it was true.

It was impossible. The brave, wonderful man who was always quick to laugh and always quick to get into trouble couldn't just be gone forever. But McCoy's watery kisses on Jim's forehead could feel how the skin was losing it's warmth. That wild fantastic warmth that McCoy hadn't had a chance to fully enjoy under his fingertips.

Jim was gone, and in all of space, McCoy was alone.

 

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, after nearly three months, 13 chapters, lots of writing, rewriting, fretting, falling outs, and copious amounts of tea and long nights, the story is done! The ending was originally not supposed to happen until they got back from their mission, and there was going to be more Spock/Carissa development, and well, there was generally gonna be more everything, but like I said, for personal reasons I wanted to go ahead and wrap things up. I really hope you enjoyed the story. Writing it was certainly an adventure!  
> Dif tor heh smusma.


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